Mid-Service Crisis?

"If you work in international politics or development and do not have an intellectual and existential crisis every year, then something is wrong."

 -Chris Blattman

This post might be a little different than what I usually post. Normally, I'm blabbing about being happy in an excited tone, or I'm talking about great things and being as positive as possible. Don't worry, I'm not planning on writing you a Sad Panda Negative Nancy woe-is-me kind of post. I just want to share a very honest, realistic side of Peace Corps. Sometimes I think my blog is a dishonest representation. I talk about fun trips and show off great packages I get from home. If I left out the tough times of Peace Corps, one might think all I do is go on fun adventures and get presents in the mail. That's not fair or true. So while this is sort of more personal than I like to get online, I think its the right thing to do. 

I think I might have just had what they call a mid-service crisis. Maybe its still happening, maybe it'll come back and hit me harder in a few days or weeks, I don't know. What I do know is that it sucked. After talking to others from my group, though, I think this is normal and I'm feeling a lot better knowing that I'm not in this alone. 

It hit me a couple of weeks ago. I had been away from my community for awhile helping out with the training of the new group of youth development volunteers. When I came back, everyone one else was out of town and schools were closed for two weeks for winter break. Unfortunate timing that I thought I had prepared myself for, but I was wrong. Random little things like my internet not working, no electricity in my house during the daytime hours all week, no water, a post office strike, and other random things didn't help either. I had thought that I would use the winter break to get caught up on things online, overdue laundry, and other random tasks. But with no power to use my computer, no light to see anything in my room, and no water to do laundry, I was left to play countless games of Uno with Piere. That part turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Thank goodness for Piere. Best friend I have in Ascope, easily. And yeah, you might think I'm a baby for whining about little things like that. Most other Peace Corps volunteers don't have those conveniences ever, I know... 

...but I digress. Basically I've been in my site for almost a year and I feel like I should have more to show for it. This year flew by, and from what I hear, the next one will go even faster. I have one year left and a pile of things I want to complete. On top of that, I still have no plan for my life post Peace Corps. I know that things move slowly in Peru, and in development. I trust the process and I think I'm probably doing fine. But there is that nagging doubt that I could be doing more, or I could be doing better. And that damn doubt, it attacks when I don't have enough keeping me busy. The fact that I have been away from my classes and counterparts for so long doesn't help. Just a lot of things at once, kind of like a perfect storm. It might sound petty, that's kind of how it looks when I see it in writing here, but it sucked. 

I know people ask themselves questions all the time about where they are in life and if they've made the right choices, but never have I had those questions occupy my brain more than they do during a Peace Corps low. Being here is great and probably one of the best things I have ever done. But there is always that dreaded question of "is it worth it?" 

97% of the time, I would say yes to that question with honesty and sincerity. But that 3% accounts for times like the beginning of this month, when I just wasn't quite sure. I'm gonna do my best to keep it at 3% where I feel like that. I hope these slumps only last for a few weeks at a time. Time is a precious thing, and I want to use mine as best as I can. I want to know that its worth it. That my time here is being spent well and that I am focussing on the right things. 

That said, I will explain how things got better: Piere. My strategies for dealing with stress/ sadness/ anything else are usually running, wine, and talking to friends. When I can't do those things, or have already done them and am still sad, what can I do? Play Uno. Dominate Rock Paper Scissors. Watch the Simpsons in Spanish. Play foosball with a 6 year old who cheats. Accidentally teach said 6 year old how to swear in English. Shill corn with my host grandma until I get blisters. That's what I can do :) Really, I think part of what it was is that I was missing Piere and the rest of my favorite folks in Ascope. So lately I've been forcing myself on people because I've missed them. The reactions have been alright. Really, I don't think they mind, perhaps I'm not really forcing anything after all. 

In the end, I think its like this- in a few years I will remember the things I just mentioned before I remember meetings I went to and classes I taught. I will remember Piere at my side all day making up games and quizzes for me. My 10 year old neighbor Maria with her new puppy Beethoven. Renzo, Natalie, and Diego coming out of their house next door to chat with me every time I walk past. That's why I'm here. That's what makes this worth it. So its alright. Its not always easy to see that. But its the truth: everything is alright, and on most days, its better than alright. 

So yeah, it's been a bit of a slump time for me lately, but its better now and I just wanted to share. People always ask how I'm doing, which I love. I, like most everyone else, will give a short response. But this is the long answer. One year in, this is how I am- I am well, I am happy, and I am experiencing everything I was told I would. Its not always easy, but its not always that hard either. Its great... 97% of the time ;) 

And with that I will leave you with these photos. Evidence of the time Little Man and I have been spending together. 

Him not having school right now + me having less work to do at the moment = stuff like this...

:) 

What's better than Rock Paper Scissors?

Rock Paper Scissors and Photo Booth! 

(He won... that time ;)

"Breet, remember those funny pictures we took? That was awesome."

-Little Man, about an hour after this random Friday night photo shoot. 

Worth it :)